Method of Mancy

The day drags on and on but the numbers on the clock are moving at a glacial pace. My eyes ache from working at the computer for hours. I try to take breaks but I can’t tear myself away from the task for more than a few seconds. There’s still so much more work to be done before I can relax and I yearn for the end of my shift when I can be reunited with my lover. After another few minutes of trying to manage it all, I decide to take a break to text him like a schoolgirl.

I’m so excited to see you tonight! I’m not a fan of these three-day streaks of not seeing you. We need to do something about it.

The moment I hit send, a voice in my head like a blade at my throat reminds me: oh, but it could be 30x worse. Do you want to go back to that? You’re asking for too much. I shoo it away with a literal wave of my hand, insisting that I’m allowed to want and ask for quality time. The back and forth dialogue of my mind begins to embarrass me and I turn my focus back to the matter at hand—the damn schedule. Two weeks. Only two more weeks and it’ll all be easier. 

The work seems to never stop. Even things like eating and relaxing have become tasks on my agenda. The weight of it all buries me and I can’t help feeling like I’m drowning in an inch of water. These things shouldn’t be so hard, I tell myself. Thirty hours isn’t that much. And three classes isn’t that much, either. I could do better, I should be doing better. Everyone around me believes I’m oh-so-capable and oh-so-smart but I just begin to wonder, who is churning that shit out of the rumor mill and stamping my name on it?

My phone blinks at me from the desk and I flip it open to read his response. Me too, baby ❤ BTW, we’re getting takeout tonight!

I smile to myself and snap it shut again. Two weeks. Only two more weeks I need to survive and then for better or for worse, it will be over and I can breathe again.

I sigh deeply and take a moment to rest my eyes. There might be a storm raging in my head, but I know at least there is endless love, ardent support, and a world of peace awaiting me in those arms tonight.