There’s a part of me I keep hidden; a monster wrapped in chains and buried as deeply as possible, imprisoned for fear of what destruction she could unleash if I she were ever to be set free. That fear has long since been my lover, following me into bed each night, leaving my tongue sour with the aftertaste of shame.
But what of the beast lurking below, what I’ve banished to the darkness? Everything I’m ashamed of, everything I rejected about myself, everything I’ve ever tried to cover up—she’s all of it, all I try to deny about what I am. But I know exactly what I am, and I’ve always known it. I am a sad, lonely animal of a woman.
And I hear her calling me from the depths below.
Down an endless path into the earth, her wailing echoes across the walls. I walk farther and farther into the cold, damp darkness until the howls begin to ring in my ears. I shout unintelligibly in frustration and she falls into immediate silence. I can almost feel her shaking in fear. I turn the corner and she’s curled in on herself, crouching against the farthest stone wall. Pathetic. Weak.
My muscles tense up as I prepare myself for the barrage of emotions that always flood my senses when I see her—disgust, disdain, fear… The light falls on her face as she meets my gaze, but the feelings don’t come, and the beast is nowhere to be found.
She’s just a woman.
What happened to the monster? What happened to the dangerous creature I’ve been keeping prisoner? I don’t see her lust, her greed, her wrath. I don’t see her deep capacity for evil, her selfishness, her bared teeth waiting to pierce someone’s flesh.
All I see is a woman trapped alone in the dark. She doesn’t say a word to me, but I can see it burning in her eyes. I need to be free. She needs to be free.
A visceral desperation rushes through my body from ankles to crown and I dive forward, scrambling to free her from the chains. I claw at the shackles until my fingernails are broken and my skin is torn. Tears run down my face and sobs rip at my throat as if I was the one who had been down here all this time. I slam my fists down on the bonds again and again until they shatter and my scream of exhaustion bounces off the walls into a million pieces.
She makes a small movement toward me and I immediately flinch away. I freeze, watching in mute terror as she reaches out to me. What have I done? I’ve let her out. Oh god, I’ve let her out.
But her arms aren’t striking, they’re just sort of… reaching, waiting. And suddenly, I understand.
I’m so sorry, I whisper.
I wrap my arms around her and embrace the beast. I hold her tight against me and close my eyes as I let her in. I let her in and I feel all the missing parts of me returning again to make me whole. I let her in and all of the fear washes out of my body like a wave brushing the shore.
I let her in and finally… finally, I free us both.