I find myself wondering when I will finally be okay.
Maybe when the cold night ends, and the sun breaks the darkness like an egg across a skillet. Maybe when I submerge my body in the hot, perfumed water of an evening bath and the sounds of the world become muffled and so very, far away. Maybe… maybe when the room starts to spin and my whiskey glass lies empty…
I know it’s not the “right” thing to do, but I drink until the world blurs because I don’t want to see it anymore. And I drink until my stomach turns over because I need to purge the sickness inside of me. And I knock it back until my neck snaps because I want everything to just stop.
I pour and I pour until the mixture is more Jack than Coke.
And I feel a bitter smile unravel across my face as I realize I have no clue how far I’ll let this go.